i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
my liver is dry heaving
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize