You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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