16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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