i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You smell like stripper and shame
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
