Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
