some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What a dumb baby whore.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize