two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
