I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
