So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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