Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
