haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well I just put wine in my tea
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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