mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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