did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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