So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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