We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
