I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
