I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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