bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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