you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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