So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize