i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
