Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
