Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
