When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
