if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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