i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
