I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
