How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
