you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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