You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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