After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
