omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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