I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How does it feel to date your dad?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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