So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
