I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
