I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
