you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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