dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
