In America we eat man semen.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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