I need to stop coming to work sober
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
