If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
