my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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