I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
