Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize