the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize