Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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