Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
