im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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