is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
