We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
