i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
