my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
