You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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