then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
