guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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