Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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