he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize