Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
