her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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