Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
