Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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