I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Someone came in the potted fern
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
