Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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