highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
