I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize